Have you ever said yes when something inside you was quietly asking for a no?
Maybe you could feel it happening. You even knew why. You know you tend to put yourself last. You know the guilt that can rise when someone is disappointed. And still, there you were, saying yes.
Then comes the part that can hurt even more: Why do I keep doing this? I know better by now.
I hear some version of this so often. Women have read the books, gone to therapy, done the courses, asked the questions, and learned so much about themselves. That understanding matters. And sometimes the old pattern still shows up when life gets difficult.
Because knowing something in a quiet moment is different from remembering it when you’re in the middle of a hard one.
When someone you love is upset, when a boundary might disappoint another person, when you’ve had a long day and one more thing is being asked of you, the old familiar way can take over before you’ve had a chance to choose.
Of course it can.
Those responses have often been with us for years. They may have helped us belong, keep the peace, feel needed, or get through things we didn’t yet know how to meet another way.
And then, on top of the moment itself, we add judgment: I shouldn’t feel this. I should be further along. What’s wrong with me?
Now we’re not only carrying the original experience. We’re carrying the way we’re treating ourselves inside it.
What if that is part of where I begin?
Not by pretending the pattern isn’t there. Not by demanding that you never do it again. By noticing what happened without immediately making yourself wrong for it.
I often invite women to put a hand on their heart, take a few deep breaths, and simply acknowledge, Of course this is here. This is the old pathway.
It doesn’t mean she has to like what happened. It doesn’t mean she gives up her ability to choose differently. It means she gets to be human while she learns.
And perhaps, the next time, she catches it a little sooner. She notices the tightness in her body before the yes comes out. Or she says yes again but recognizes what she was afraid might happen if she said no.
That noticing matters. So does the moment she stops adding another layer of harshness to an already hard day.
To me, this is where so much of our inner work becomes real. Not only in what we understand about ourselves, but in how we meet ourselves when life brings the very things we have been learning about.
Baby step by baby step, we begin having a different experience of ourselves.
So if you’re looking at an old pattern and wondering why it’s still here, maybe the next question isn’t Why haven’t I fixed this yet?
Maybe it’s Can I meet myself with more love while I’m learning to do this differently?
You get to be human here.
More love, not less. 🩷